Perfectionism was one of those aspects of myself that I would totally humble brag about. I didn’t go so far as to use it in my interviews as my worst trait, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think it was kind of true.
My perfectionism helped me achieve so much throughout my life. It motivated me to excel in school, kept me disciplined enough to get into a good college, and drove me to perform at a high level in my career. It allowed me to build a reputation for excellence and productivity.
In 2016 I started my journey inward. I was eager to find myself again and reinvent myself in a way that felt authentic this time. That journey entailed being brutally honest with myself about my least loved characteristics and, to my surprise, learning how some of my favorite quirks were holding me back. I made a point to understand my perfectionism on a deeper level.
In this article we will discuss:
Perfectionism and its characteristics
How perfectionism negatively impacts us
Where perfectionism comes from
The steps to create balance
What is perfectionism?
The dictionary says perfectionism is the refusal to accept any standard short of perfection, and Psychology Today breaks it down into three subcategories: Self-oriented, others-oriented, and socially prescribed which entails perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.
But that definition doesn’t capture how perfectionism can infiltrate our lives, our behavior, and our sense of self. To do that we must acknowledge some characteristics commonly associated with perfectionism. As you read them, notice if any of these resonate with you.
What are the characteristics?
Unrealistically high standards – our expectations verge on impossible for most but feel reasonable to us. We will also go above and beyond what is asked of us.
Rigid thinking –we tend to think it’s either perfect or it’s a failure. We skip celebrating wins and shrug off compliments. We tend to focus on what we could have done better instead of acknowledging our accomplishment.
Critical comparison – we obsess over how our performance measures up to those around us and allow this to influence how we feel about ourselves.
Fear of failure - we have no tolerance for failure, avoid it at all costs, and experience intense shame around mistakes and imperfections.
Highly critical - of ourselves and others. We tend to have a cruel inner critic, beat ourselves up over mistakes, and we’re quick to notice the mistakes of others.
Difficulty delegating – handing tasks off is challenging. We feel resistance and a sense we can’t trust others to take care of things to the level we would.
Needing control – we have a hard time letting go, experiencing anxiety when things feel out of our control, or the outcome is uncertain.
Procrastination – we avoid activities we aren’t proficient in, putting them off until we can execute flawlessly. We also spend loads of time planning, organizing, and refining details without ever feeling the task is complete.
Achievement oriented –we place high importance on how specific people perceive us, we tie recognition and success to our self-worth. This means how we feel about ourselves is dependent on what we achieve and the recognition we get.
Exhaustion – we are physically and mentally exhausted from the chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout we experience pushing ourselves towards perfection.
When you put all or some of those characteristics together you can see that perfectionism isn’t just a habit of excellence. There seems to be a darker side to perfectionism that we don’t acknowledge while we enjoy the benefits, but inevitably we start to notice the toll it takes on our own wellbeing.
What are the negative impacts of perfectionism?
Stress and anxiety –high standards and expectations can fuel anxiety, while trying to control things outside of our control sends our stress levels through the roof.
Depression – not meeting our impossible standards can lead to questioning our own self-worth.
Burn-out – as we strive for unattainable perfection, we push ourselves past our own boundaries and question our efficacy when we fall short.
Distorted self-image – we ignore our achievements to focus on shortcomings distorting how we see ourselves, leading to low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Suicidal thoughts – when we convince ourselves that we are the problem instead of the impossible standards.
Stunted growth - and development from avoiding risks and not learning from mistakes.
Wasted time – from procrastination, indecision, and nit-picking.
Narrowed thinking –taking risks could lead to failure. It’s safer to stick to what we know. Focusing on negatives means we miss the whole picture.
Emotional rollercoaster - having our self-worth tied to external factors means we can feel on top of the world one minute and a total loser the next.
If you related to the characteristics on the list or experienced any of the negative impacts you may be wondering how this behavior became so ingrained.
What causes perfectionism?
Although there are genetic and psychological factors associated with perfectionism, I’d like to focus on the environmental factors that lead to someone developing this characteristic. Perfectionism is a coping mechanism developed to avoid negative outcomes like failure or harsh judgment. It tends to stem from painful early life experiences and/or exposure to competitive, high-achieving cultures. When we experience trauma, neglect, or family dysfunction as a child, trusting others becomes difficult so we may develop a fear of failure, a sensitivity to criticism, or a need for control. In highly competitive environments, perfectionism keeps us safe from falling behind. A lack of constructive feedback or feedback that only focuses on mistakes reinforces this, as does public recognition for high performers and tons of social comparison. The love, safety and belonging we crave is seen as conditional and linked to our performance.
What steps can we take to create balance?
Shift your mindset - Stop avoiding failure and start focusing on success!
Mindfulness techniques – develop awareness, spot perfectionism, and disrupt the habit.
Self-compassion – allow room for grace and speak to yourself like someone you love.
Set small achievable goals – every big goal can be broken down into a series of smaller goals.
Celebrate our wins - balance our self-image by honoring achievements not just pointing out where to improve.
Be perfectly imperfect - find the beauty in imperfection, take tiny risks, leave our comfort zone.
Consult a professional – someone trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, self-mastery, and habit change can accelerate your progress.
“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” — Brené Brown
Until next time, take care of yourselves!
Love,Jess
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